Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
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Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.