Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
You Might Also Like
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away