Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
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“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.