Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
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A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing