@joshgondelman: Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I'm mostly terrified by how I'll never be able to afford to own a home.
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@okimstillhungry: Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped. Me: I guess I FROGOT :) Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
@Brampersandon_: WIFE: what's the name of that girl you work with? ME: which girl? WIFE: the pretty one ME: I feel like this is a trap
@TheTweetOfGod: Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you "work in mysterious ways" and see how far it gets you.