@joshgondelman: Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I'm mostly terrified by how I'll never be able to afford to own a home.
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@OrignalceQueen: *Pops up from the backseat as you're driving* *Duct tapes your neck to the head rest* Now, why are you telling people I'm crazy?!!
@WilliamAder: If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
@CoreyNotKori: My handwriting has slowly morphed from cheerleader to serial killer to elephant with a paint brush.