@joshgondelman: Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I'm mostly terrified by how I'll never be able to afford to own a home.
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@AlexRogaski: [On couch, notices it's 6pm] Luckily I don't have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8. *Notices it's February* OH SHIT
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we'll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
@DirtMcTurd: Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it