Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
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5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
fourth time’s the charm
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.