Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
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[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.