Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
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In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”