@Parentpains: Whenever I'm on twitter I always turn my phone upside down to try and collect spare change from your pockets.
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@zachheltzel: Yeah sex is cool but have you ever lied to an Uber driver about what you do for a living?
@Poutymcgee: Friend: *passes me her newborn baby* Me: What is this clothed potato and why have you given it to me?
@vikkaroni: Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They'll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
@Jandalize: My daughter's boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I'll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20