@Parentpains: Whenever I'm on twitter I always turn my phone upside down to try and collect spare change from your pockets.
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@liberalcannon: My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
@agathagotstoned: If you walk into a room that's empty except for a clown doll sitting in a chair at a tiny table, you're probably about to be murdered.
@FrenulumBreve: HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie? HER: sure, sounds great. [next day] HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
@davidschneider: I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.