@Parentpains: Whenever I'm on twitter I always turn my phone upside down to try and collect spare change from your pockets.
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@ozzyunc: It's 2080. Every living human is named Taylor. Dogs are the size of hamsters. The iPhone 47 is the size of a parachute. Weed is mandatory.
@krisv_723: I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
@fro_vo: ME: how did you get disbarred ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors ME: *gasps* you mean ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
@jwoodham: If someone approaches you and offers you a Black Eyed Peas album, remain calm. You have just encountered a member of the Black Eyed Peas.