Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
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starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
drew a comic about my origin story
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
is this a threat
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.