@QwertyJones3: Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
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@JohnLyonTweets: Friend: What time is it? Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away) Friend: Well? Me: Well what?
@SamDelanche: Sorry about the concussion Steve but it wouldn't be called a "trust fall" if it worked every time.
@rumsnipe: Mechanic : your motor is losing power and it won't last long. Me : you been talking to my wife bro?
@jen_says_nah: If you love something set it free, if it stays its yours Go on then pizza, leave! Get outta here..... *pizza stays *happy tears