Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
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Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I’ll be mad as hell!
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?