Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
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There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
black phone good
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.