Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
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I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I think they could have phrased this better
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”