@DaHess1: Whenever someone dies they always tell me God called them home so that's why I'll never give Jesus my real phone number.
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@RidiculousSheri: [on a date] *don't let him know you're a bird* Him: I'll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed. Me: *poops all over windshield*
@JayCee302: Me: "I really like this car" Salesman: "Yeah and it also has a latch in case someone gets stuck in the trunk!" Me: "Eh, what else ya got?"
@Lmao: What I said: I forgot my book. What the teacher heard: I hate school, I hate you & I don't want to make something out of my life.
@GensPlace: We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: 'Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces...'