@DaHess1: Whenever someone dies they always tell me God called them home so that's why I'll never give Jesus my real phone number.
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@TwinSurvivalist: If I hear a bump in the night, I'm hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
@dreamthievin: A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
@Epygma: Im still waiting for a movie in which someone says "buy me some time" and the guy goes and buys him a clock
@sssh_squirrel: I'm going to just start biting the faces of people that stand too close during a conversation.