@waydybee: whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, "oh, this is the one u were talking about" &watch the awkward stares!
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@ibid78: [goes back in time to murder baby Hitler] wow long line of people here to kill him [goes back to murder myself] how is this line even longer
@stats_canada: 66% of Canadians were unimpressed with "The Revenant", or as it's known in Canada, "Pretty Average Day"
@Jake_Vig: *opens present HER: What is this? ME: It's The One Ring. I fought orcs for it. HER: They didn't have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
@deadstick_ron: [Dog office] Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk - I pissed on it so.. Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it D1: son of a D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?