whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
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* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Merica.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees