Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
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Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I’ve had worse
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now