@chris_isloi: Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell "SPOILER ALERT!"
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@ErrenMichaels:  *gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*  *dog now also fat*
@Phook75: I've spent the better part of my marriage battling to get these two strings inside my wife's shirt to actually stay on this hanger
@jergarl: It's not a real twitter addiction until you look up from your phone and you've missed your exit by 37 states.
@Tetley6969: At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.