Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
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It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.