@heatherlarson77: Whenever someone says they did something "like a boss" I assume that means they didn't do it at all and are taking credit for it.
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@Jeffwni: [1st date] Me: I've got crabs [date leaves] [back home looking at my fish tank] "It's all right guys, one day I'll find one who'll like you"
@ktmcburr: "Omg there's a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant"- no one, ever.
@Brampersandon_: ME: when I was 12 I got the flu so bad I had to be in the hospital GUY WHO TRIES TO ONE-UP EVERY STORY: oh yeah? when I was 13 I died