@heatherlarson77: Whenever someone says they did something "like a boss" I assume that means they didn't do it at all and are taking credit for it.
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@_NinJar: *wakes up in hospital* What happened? "It was a heart attack" Will I be ok? *a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat* "No"
@JGrumbie: Fully clothed mom just waded into the pool to grab her devil spawn child that was ignoring her. She's my new favorite.
@pointsymmetric: One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
@RidiculousSheri: I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I'm on a budget.