anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
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[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.