Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
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A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Europe. Made in Germany.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Does this dress make me look cat?
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
🔦🌙👣
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
back to work
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*