Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
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Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior