@MourningGlory_: Whenever someone tells me they get a "high" from running, all I'm thinking is, "You've obviously never been high before."
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@koalaslament: Coworker said 'nice pink shirt, when did you come out?' I said 'IT'S NOT PINK IT'S SALMON!'. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
@david8hughes: [taking baby's shoes off] Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It's almost as if you were carried everywhere.
@TheAlexP: Little known fact: Henry Ford called it an automobile because "Horse with no Name" sounded stupid.