That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
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Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
A leaf blower, but for people.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
satan: not today, microsoft teams
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.