Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
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Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?