Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
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in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
britain’s three elite institutions
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout