Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
You Might Also Like
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Why font matters.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
In case you needed to hear it:
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.