“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
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Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Worst bar ever.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana