@TheMichaelRock: Whenever you're feeling down and out, just remember that there's people walking around with Twilight tattoos.
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@hinnaz: Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
@DaddyJew: Judge: do you have a lawyer or will you be representing yourself? Me: *adjusts tie* neither your honor *a sock puppet slowly emerges from my briefcase*
@DavidKrap: Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll.
@pleatedjeans: Me: we're throwing a surprise party for Tim Wife: don't you hate Tim? Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes