CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
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My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
no regrets
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up