@TheMichaelRock: Whenever you're feeling down and out, just remember that there's people walking around with Twilight tattoos.
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@Reverend_Scott: Wife: "Notice anything?" Me: "Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?" Wife: "You forgot to wear pants."
@CornOnTheGoblin: [pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]... the teenage mutant ninja turtles
@nbadag: [hosting a kids show] ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!! KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME! [camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]