Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
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But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”