@jordan_stratton: Whenever you're feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
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@TheToddWilliams: [high seas] FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack PIRATE: Arr! FIRST MATE: Oh sorry...the men "are" ready to attack
@RobDenBleyker: Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he's obviously not good at it.
@GingerAtLaw: You'd think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
@markydoodoo: [at dog park] ME: it's ok, she's friendly. THEM: is, is that a crab? ME: yep. She's a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She's 2.