Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
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I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident