Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
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I need better friends
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.