“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
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If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.