me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
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Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…