#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
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Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
My good tweets are in my other pants.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
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