Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
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I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
taking June’s advice to heart
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
There is no “we” in pizza
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.