Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
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I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.