This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
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One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.