“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
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Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.