“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
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me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.