Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
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We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
A short story about romance.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
FINE, I WON’T.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom