Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
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My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Lmaoo 😂
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass