Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
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you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine