-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
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WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.