“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
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Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Animal poetry
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Support your local cemetery
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?