My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
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i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah