“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
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So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*