*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
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My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them