At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
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If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.