i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
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Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option