I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
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My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I’m literally crying
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.