@DonQuickoats: Which lip am I supposed to bite to look sexy in selfies? Cuz I look like a werewolf when I bite my top lip
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@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I'm on the computer* What game are you playing? Me: Pay the bills. 5: Are you winning? Me: No.
@MsFoxIfUrNasty: Of course I care about ethical farming practices and proper nutrition. My eggs came from chickens who were fed only the finest vegetarians.
@withanewname: Wife: "you think all that sugar you fed the kids this morning was a wise idea?" Me: "why?" W: M: W: "they're running along side the car"