Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
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“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
For those that worship cheese..
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Very problematic
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*