Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
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Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I love wikipedia
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
When someone trying to leave me
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game