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I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot